Dressing Modestly: A Discussion

“Modesty is not only an ornament,

but also a guard to virtue.”

Joseph Addison

Dressing modestly is one of the most popular topics for Christians to talk about. It falls anywhere between highly regarded as the most important virtue for women to being seen as unnecessary legalism. Dressing modesty often gets touted for preserving purity and not causing men to lust, while dissenters associate the practice with restrictive, outdated lists asserting that “it’s not my job to guard other people’s thoughts.” 

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What is Dressing Modestly?

If you haven’t already, take time to read  “Modesty Begins In The Heart” to get a full picture of what modesty truly is and why modesty of heart, not modest clothing, is primary.  In that post I cover how modesty is a condition of the heart that then gets applied to our actions. How we choose to dress is just one of those actions. 

Let’s quickly review the definition as: being decent, orderly, appropriate in dress, speech, and conduct; not overly prideful or confident in yourself; not seeking to draw attention to yourself. 

A modest heart is concerned with propriety in all situations and interactions with others. How we dress is certainly a way of interacting and communicating with those around us. As Christians we want to give our outward appearance enough attention so that we can express ourselves comfortably and confidently, and also have people feel similarly when they are around us.  We don’t want it to be so attention-grabbing that it’s all others think about. 

Furthermore, we don’t want it to become an idol in our lives. It is entirely possible to dress modestly with a very ugly heart, secretly hoping people will praise us for how holy we clothe ourselves. It always comes back to the heart. 

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Dressing Modestly is Subjective

Just as each of our lives and marriages are individual, how the Holy Spirit convicts each of us to dress is individual. The Bible has NO specific set of rules for how we must dress beyond: wear what pertains to your sex, meaning, don’t be purposely trying to convolute your gender by dressing like the other, and try to honor God by being appropriate and not tempting others to sin. 

The Bible gives no specific lists of what body parts to cover or not. It is left up to each of us to listen to the still, quiet voice of the Spirit and walk accordingly. 

Therefore, we are not in a place to have pride in our hearts or cast judgement on women around us.  It is all too easy to think our way is the best simply because that is what God has shown us. However,  this is not an area in which we can apply our convictions to everyone else.  

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Dressing Modestly is Contextual 

As citizens of heaven, we are not to conform to this world, but we do live in this world and this world changes.  Not only has culture changed over time, but where you live and go during your short life also greatly affects the context of your clothing. 

Imagine the difference between a tropical beach community and a place that is snowy and cold 7 months of the year with no beach in sight.  The clothing, on a practical basis alone, will be vastly different. 

Not only geography, but culture will also have an influence on clothing.  Having been to a variety of church denominations with a variety of cultural/ethnic backgrounds, I have learned from experience that not all clothing is the same wherever you go. At some churches I dressed to the nines with heels, hair in an up-do, full make-up, and my sons in suits and ties. 

Conversely, if I showed up at other churches like that, I’d stick out like a sore thumb.  Plunging cleavage or how short the skirt is aside, sticking out like a sore thumb is by technical definition immodest because it isn’t proper in that situation. (Not that I show my cleavage anywhere.)

Dressing Modestly Is Not More Important Than Obeying Your Husband

The exact lines in the sand of what is modest or not is not the only squabble married couple have. Everything from dividing housework to how to school the children to when/how to have family devotion time are all common things that nip at the delicate vines of relationships. 

Dressing modestly is one that can be very easy to turn into a “highly spiritual” issue. Many a well-meaning woman seeking to please the Lord end up displeasing Him by sowing seeds of contention in their marriage by thinking they must “obey God rather than man”.  

For the most part, your husband wanting you to wear pants or tighter clothes or more make-up or whatever it is that you think is “too immodest” is not worth disobeying or arguing with him about. It will spoil the marriage which dishonors your husband AND God.  Worry more about submitting to your husband than his opinions about your clothing. He has to answer to God for how he leads you. You have to answer to God for how you follow Him. 

If how your husband is asking you to dress is clearly making many people uncomfortable, that is worth a humble conversation with him. But, far more women are at risk of ruining their marriage with disrespect than their social standing with their husband’s clothing preference so this is hardly worth spending much time on.

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Common Modesty Misconceptions 

1. Pants are immodest: Some say because they “pertain to men” therefore women shouldn’t wear them. This is trying too hard with Bible verses because the only times the Bible mentions a skirt it is referring to man, and even God. Others say pants are immodest because they show the exact shape of your body. Well, some do and some don’t, so pants overall can’t be called modest or not.
   
2. Shoulders, collarbones, ankles, or calves showing is immodest: this is simply dependent on context and personal preference. There is no reason to look at a girl in a tank top and assume she is less spiritual or a worse Christian. That may not be for you, and leave it at that. 
   
3. Head coverings are for modesty: The Bible never connects head coverings to modesty. They are connected to authority. Nor does the bible ever connect hair to immodesty.  If I visited a church where everyone wore a veil to church, I would strongly consider wearing one as well to be appropriate in that context. 
   
4. People who dress “more modestly” than you are being Pharisees or holier-than-thou: Again, you cannot see anyone’s heart. They could be doing it out of a perfectly acceptable heart. If not, trust God to show them. He is able!  Or, consider that they are a “weaker brother” and simply lack grace in this area. 
   
5. Dressing modestly means being frumpy and dowdy: This does not have to be the case at all! There are plenty of styles that are modest and fashionable at the same time. Thankfully we have the internet nowadays for ideas and inspiration! 

Modesty Non-negotiables

This list will be fairly short given all that has preceded this section. These tips might seem very obvious, but for those that may be new to Christianity, femininity, or coming out from a promiscuous life (as I once was), this can be quite helpful. 

There is just about no reason to show the skin of your breasts, cleavage, upper thighs, or butt cheeks. Most conservative Christian American cultures would also add belly to this list, as well. 

That’s about it! But I’d like to add a few more still subjective, but also helpful tips I have learned about the male brain and how certain things are perceived.

• Skin tight clothing, although tricky to generalize about since we are all differently shaped, will draw a man’s eye to see and his mind to imagine just what you look like without those clothes on. This includes very tight shirts and the ever-popular leggings. Leggings add another level of offense because the material is often thin and affords more jiggle to happen which is very arousing to men.
  
• High gloss lips.  Not all men agree, but have you noticed that everything from nail polish commercials to album covers (do these exist anymore? haha), to watch, beer, and car commercials feature women with very plump, very SHINY lips?  Shiny lips can be very sensual and remind them of sex. That is why it is used in advertising. Food for thought. 

Speaking of male brains….

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Do We Dress Modestly For Men?

This is a BIG focus in the Christian clothing debate.

Pressing on the hearts of women everywhere (or, smashed in their faces by dissenters) is the burning question: Is it women’s job to dress a certain way so that men will not stumble/be tempted?

Forget women, forget men; what does the Bible say about Christians being concerned about ourselves versus concern for others? This is the more important question that will help us stay away from feeling personally offended by rules put on us.

• “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Philippians 2:3-4
  
• “We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For Christ did not please himself…” Romans 15:1-3a
  
• “Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor” 1 Corinthians 10:24
  
• 1 Corinthians 13 tells us that “love… is not selfish” 
  
• “But take care that this right of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak.” 1 Corinthians 8:9
  
• “ It is good not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything that causes your brother to stumble.” Romans 14:21 

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What Does The Bible Say?

These verses are very clear about the Christian discipline of considering others before ourselves.  There are countless more on humility and putting ourselves last, namely, because that is exactly what Christ did and we are to walk in His example. 

The very simple fact is that, in general, boys and men are mostly visually stimulated toward arousal. As Christian ladies, the least we can do is make some effort to not be flaunting our bodies before them. 

Don’t misapply this. It’s very simple.

It’s not a promise that “if ladies dress modestly, men won’t ever think lustful thoughts” or that no women will ever get mistreated by a man if she is dressing modestly. This is not about that at all. It’s simply about taking just a little bit of thought to do the least we can to help make life just a touch easier for our brothers. 

You don’t need to stress over it and worry that wherever you go men will be looking at your body regardless of your dress. You aren’t the thought police. It isn’t your job to make sure others never sin. You can only control you. And you can easily dress in a way that doesn’t make a well-intentioned guy turn his eyes, sweat, or avoid you altogether. They do that! Some avoid girls and youth groups completely because the gals can’t spend the extra minute to cover their cleavage or wear a skirt that doesn’t ride way up their thigh when they sit down. It doesn’t have to be that way.

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Closing Thoughts

Let’s remember the reason why we even have to wear clothes in the first place. God made clothing to cover Adam and Eve’s sin and shame. It represented their need for spiritual covering after their spiritual connection to God died (God said THAT DAY that they ate of the fruit they would die – they did not physically die that day, they died spiritually).

But interestingly enough, it seems we will be wearing things in heaven when we get to eternity. Robes and wedding garments are mentioned many times. Even God the Father and God the Son are described as having robes on. 

Nothing which God designed into our lives is for naught. Everything has a purpose and He asks us also to do everything with purpose, that purpose being to glorify Him (1 Cor 10:31).

Our clothing can glorify Him in representing Christ, our most modest and humble example. He was always appropriate in every situation, from His speech to His clothing. “Let this mind be in you that is also in Christ …who … made himself of no reputation, and took upon himself the form of a servant … he humbled himself…” Philippians 2 

Grace & Peace,
Louise